Victims of domestic violence often minimize the severity of their situation by excusing the behavior of the abuser, or only telling part of their victimization. This is done for many reasons. One reason is for their safety; most victims feel that if they tell someone what is really going on, their partner will find out and this will make the partner angry, lashing out at the victim and making their situation worse. 

It's okay to ask the tough questions: “Are you being hurt by someone in your home?” “Is someone you know hurting you?” “Are there issues of anger in your home?"  You may be the first person to reach out to the victim, and they may need your help. But remember, they need to do this in their own time. You may need to lend support multiple times before they choose to do something about their situation. Don’t give up.

Some basic do’s and don’ts with abusers and victims:

• Don’t pressure the victim by coercing, threatening, or trying to control their situation; even when done to help, this is abusive.
• Don’t blame the victim by saying “why don’t you just…”
• Don’t feel sorry for the abuser, who often want you to think their abuse is the victim's fault: “If only they would … I would not …”
• Don’t recommend marriage or couple counseling. The abuse needs to stop before this could be effective, because there is an imbalance of power in the relationship. Instead, recommend a domestic-abuse group for the abuser, and support group for the victim.
• Don’t ignore the abuse. Abuse keeps getting worse over time; it will not go away without intervention.
• Don’t expect the victim to talk openly in front of the abuser; it’s not safe  to do so.
• Don’t expect the abuser to keep a promise of not hurting his or her partner. The abuser needs help; they can not accomplish this on their own.
• Do be supportive of the victim. Listen to his or her thoughts and feelings, even if you do not understand them.
• Do know what resources to offer the victim and abuser so they can get the help they want/need.
• Most important: do something.

This information provided by Childlren's Home Society & Family Services Domestic Abuse Program. For more information or if you have questions about the contents, please call  952-432-4145.